Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
