I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
