Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
