i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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