I think I won the penis lottery.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
