If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
