I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
