I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
We're too hungover to prance.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
