so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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