a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
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