my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
