This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
