I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
