the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
