I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
