She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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