It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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