I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
