Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
