I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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