I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm too high and old for this...
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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