I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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