LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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