So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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