His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
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