Will you blow on my dice?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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