Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
