Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
