I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
