Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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