Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
