Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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