Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
