well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize