I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
