i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
