he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
3 2 1 whiskey
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
