I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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