Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I checked into jail on foursquare
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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