then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
