Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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