Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
