I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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