The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
