Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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