So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
