he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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