We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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