dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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