hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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