her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
