The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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