someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
