R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
