Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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