Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
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