Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
