Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
