I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
