I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
