I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
